Counting today's purchase, I've spent over $200k on Dr. Scholl's foot care products. Every time I buy them, I try to remind myself of how many inserts lie on my closet floor collecting dirt or how many have been lost or abandoned in the last 20 years, but hope springs eternal and there are always new products one can try. Safeway records everything I buy so I know how exactly much I've spent over the years, and so do they. When my new soft gel heel cushions were rung up, bells rang, thousands of balloons fell from the overhead net into the aisle, trumpets blared, and a woman in a red apron brought out a huge frosted cake that said, "CONGRATULATIONS FROM THE DOCTOR!" and served up slices to everyone at the store. She gave me extra flowers. Banners unfurled. There was a parade down Marshall Street led by the Portland PD Mounted Patrol unit. I received a coupon that will now discount future purchases on Dr. Scholl's products by 10% and they let me pick a bottle of California wine from the top shelf. It was wonderful. Then I came home and tried the inserts. My feet still hurt.